Here are some anti-jokes to help you put your wit and sarcasm to the test. These jokes don’t have punchlines, so the success of each depends on having a good segue or physical expression.
Feel free to use these as the basis for a story or character, or even just pass them along via e-mail (a personal favorite of mine).
Best Anti Jokes
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field. I mean, he had no competition.
How do you catch a squirrel? Climb a tree and act like a nut. Wait, is this a setup to a joke?
Two fish were in a tank. One said to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?” Actually, they were probably in an aquarium.
Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems. Just like my life.
Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing. Although, I have no idea how it saw anything.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. That’s it. Just a carrot.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? 10 tickles. But really, is tickling a cephalopod ethical?
I told my wife she was drawing on her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised. But not really, I think she was just messing with me.
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off. Okay, that one’s a bit graphic, let’s move on.
How does a rabbi make coffee? Hebrews it. Actually, that one was pretty good.
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire? Frostbite. But seriously, why would you even cross them in the first place?
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything. At least, that’s what they tell me.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high this morning. She looked surprised. I’m starting to think she’s messing with me.
How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just beat the room for being black. Okay, that one was a bit too dark.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at the playground? They woke up. Not sure we can joke about that one either.
Why did the pillow go to the doctor? Because it was feeling a little down. That one was pretty corny.
Why don’t fish like basketball? Because they couldn’t handle the ocean liner. I honestly have no idea what that meant.
Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two-tired. Okay, that one was actually pretty good.
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing, it just let out a little wine. Probably could have seen that one coming.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick. That’s it, just a stick.
Unfunny Jokes
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything. It’s just chemistry, nothing funny about it!
Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet. I guess they’re just too focused on staying parallel.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high this morning. She looked surprised. Maybe she needs better makeup skills.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn’t great, but the reception had excellent reception.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. Or maybe a mango. They have good taste.
Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint. Must be nice to have a successful candy business.
The rotation of the Earth really makes my day. That and my morning coffee, of course.
I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough. Now I’m just kneading a new career.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down. The laws of physics won’t let me!
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers? He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
I asked the librarian if there are any books about paranoia. She whispered, “They’re right behind you.” Really, I hope she’s not joking.
Why did the scarecrow become a successful politician? Because he knew how to win over a crowd. And pigeons.
Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts. It’s a bit bony to find that amusing.
Why don’t oysters donate to charity? Because they are shellfish creatures. Or maybe they just have no way to access their bank accounts.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is now fully recovered. It’s a miracle!
Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing. Or it could be because it was overripe.
How do you organize a space party? You just planet! And don’t forget to bring the moon cheese.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they’re always up to something. Those little troublemakers!
I told my wife she was drawing on her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised. I think she may need some art lessons.
How do you catch a squirrel? Climb a tree and act like a nut. Or just put out some bait. But that’s no fun, right?
Anti Humor
A man walks into a bar. Ouch! He really should’ve watched where he was going.
I told my friend a joke about construction, but it went over his head. And it hit the roof. Construction accidents aren’t funny, though.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side, where it could contemplate the futility of its existence.
Knock, knock. Please don’t answer the door, I’m not in the mood for social interaction.
What’s black and white and red all over? A newspaper, because some things are just classic.
Did you hear about the mathematician who can predict the future? He’s lying.
Why did the tomato turn red? Because it was ripening due to natural chemical reactions.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? It didn’t, because it’s an inanimate object. Awards are for living beings.
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? One, but the light bulb really has to want to change.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? They have trust issues and prefer to rely on observable evidence.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high this morning. She said, “Thank you for your subjective opinion.”
Two muffins were sitting in the oven. One said, “Wow, it’s really hot in here.” The other replied, “Yes, we are undergoing the process of baking.
Why don’t skeletons fight each other? Because they don’t possess the physical capacity for movement and combat.
I asked the cashier if they had any books on paranoia. They replied, “I can’t answer that. They’re watching.”
How did the hipster burn his mouth? He drank his coffee before it was cool. Hot temperatures can cause burns, so please wait for your beverage to cool down.
Why did the bicycle fall over? It lost its balance and stability due to gravitational pull.
I told my friend a ghost story, and they asked if it was scary. I said, “No, it was just a fictional narrative that incorporated supernatural elements.”
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? Nothing, because parrots are known for vocal mimicry, not colors.
Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s impossible for them to intersect, though, because they follow the rules of Euclidean geometry.
Why did the avocado go to the party alone? Because it prefers solitude and doesn’t rely on social events for its happiness.
Short Anti Jokes
Q: Why did the tomato turn red?
A: It underwent the natural process of ripening due to ethylene gas.
Q: What’s brown and sticky?
A: A stick.
Q: What has four wheels and flies?
A: A garbage truck.
Q: Why don’t zombies attack chefs?
A: They have a taste for brains, not culinary skills.
Q: Why did the scarecrow win an award?
A: Actually, it didn’t because it’s just a decorative piece of farming equipment.
Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
A: An impasta.
Q: Why don’t scientists trust atoms?
A: They’re too small to see with the naked eye and are unpredictable.
Q: What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
A: An investigator.
Q: Why did the chicken go to the seance?
A: To talk to the other side.
Q: Why did the bicycle fall over?
A: It was not properly balanced and lost its support.
Q: What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
A: “Supplies!”
Q: Why don’t elephants use computers?
A: They prefer to use their trunks.
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman and a shark?
A: Frostbite.
Q: Why did the banana go to the doctor?
A: It wasn’t peeling very well.
Q: What’s pink and fluffy?
A: Pink fluff.
Q: What did the grape say when it got stepped on?
A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
Q: Why don’t oysters donate to charity?
A: They’re shellfish, and they don’t have any money.
Q: What’s yellow and always points to the north?
A: The school bus.
Q: Why did the tomato turn green?
A: Because it wasn’t ripe yet.
Q: How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
A: Ten tickles. But octopuses don’t have a sense of humor.