It hurts me someway somehow to see you cry onions.
Maybe this is because I have been the victim of an onion attack before. But, I’m here to help. I’ve collected 60 ‘oniony’ puns to help you de-tear you onion tears.
Hilarious Onion Puns
Why was the onion laughing? Because it found the garlic’s jokes shallot-worthy
Why did the onion break up with the salad? It didn’t appreciate being diced with.
What did the onion say when it got scared? “I’m a frayed knot”
How do you know if an onion is a good singer? It can handle high scallions.
Why did the onion refuse to go on a date with the carrot? It didn’t want to feel julienned.
What do you call an onion that’s always running away from something? A fleeing onion.
Why did the onion take up painting? It wanted to explore its artichoke side.
How do you know if an onion is a good listener? It’s always all ears.
Why did the onion go to jail? It got caught peeling out of turn.
What do you call an onion that’s always happy? A joyful bulb.
How do you make an onion smile? You tickle its roots.
Why was the onion afraid of the garlic? Because the garlic was too clove-r.
What do you call an onion that can play an instrument? A musi-clove.
Why did the Onion go to college? To get a degree in kitchen science.
How do you know if an onion is a good dancer? It can salsa and rumba its way through the kitchen.
Onion Jokes
Why did the onion cook become a detective? Because it knew how to peel back the layers of a crime.
What did the onion say to the mushroom? You’re a ‘fun-guy’.
How does an onion have fun on a weekend? Watching root-coms.
Why did the singer break up with the onion? She didn’t appreciate their leeky relationship.
Why do onions make great gardeners? They know how to plant themselves in the soil.
Why does an onion make a terrible ship captain? It always gets mixed up between the shallots and the starboard.
Why did the onion take up acting? Because it was tired of being a slice.
What do you call an onion that’s gone bad? A rotten scallion.
What do onions use to hide bad breath? Altoids.
Why did the onion get caught cheating on its diet? It was seen spooning with the mashed potatoes.
What did one onion bulb say to the other? “I think we’re going to make a great stew together.”
Why did the onion go to the gym? To work on its bulb-ous figure.
What do onions wear to stay warm? Shallots of layers!
Why did the onion get lost? It couldn’t find its roots.
Why did the shy onion stay at home? It didn’t want to cry in public.
Onion Pick-Up Lines
You must be an onion, because I can’t stop peeling back the layers of your beauty.
You remind me of a finely diced onion – small, but always adding that extra flavor.
You must be a professional gardener, because you planted yourself deep in my heart.
You’re like an onion because just like its unique layers, you have many layers to discover.
I feel like I’ve found a hidden gem, just like discovering the perfect slice of onion in my burger.
Are you an onion? Because I just can’t resist the urge to kiss you.
I think we’re meant to be together – just like the perfect pairing of caramelized onions and balsamic vinegar.
You must be a labor of love, just like caramelizing onions – worth all the time and effort.
I love onions, and I think I’m growing to love you too.
Are you an onion? Because you’re making my heart cry with happiness.
I think I’m in love with you – just like how I love the smell of onions on my fingers after cooking with them.
I hear that onions are good for the heart – just like how I feel about you.
You remind me of onions because my eyes are fixated on you.
You’re the best thing to happen to me since discovering how to caramelize onions perfectly.
You’re like the perfect onion – juicy, refreshing, and full of flavor.
You’re like the perfect caramelized onion – sweet, rich, and complex.
Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I walk by again, holding a freshly-cut onion?
Every time I see you, I feel like I’ve just discovered a new type of onion.
You’re like the perfect onion ring – crispy on the outside, tender on the inside, and irresistible.
You’re like a rare type of onion – elusive, but once I found you, I knew I had to have you.
Onion Tear Puns
My ex-wife still misses me, but her aim is getting better. Particularly when she throws onions at my window.
I don’t think I’ve cried so much as when I accidentally rubbed my eyes after cutting onions. I think I wept salt at that point.
They say that cutting onions next to a lit candle can prevent tears. It doesn’t stop you from crying, it just gives you a convenient light to sob by.
You know what they say: life is like an onion. Sometimes it makes you cry, but you just have to keep going layer by layer.
For a while I was really tense, so I started going to a therapist. They told me that I needed to let my emotions out like onions… and that I smelled like one too.
One time I tried to grow my own onions, but it didn’t go well. I cried and cried and cried. And that was just after planting the seeds.
Every time I see an onion, I can’t help but shed a tear. But they’re happy tears, because I love onions so much.
After a good cry from cut onions, it feels like your emotions have been diced and sliced in all directions.
I read that placing an onion in the fridge overnight can prevent tears. I tried it and woke up to find my food all crying.
If you want to stop crying while cutting onions, just cover yourself in flour. That way, the onions will think you’re a dough and leave you alone.
I’ve stopped cutting onions in the kitchen, because I just can’t take all the emotional baggage they bring with them.
As an onion, shedding a tear is just part of my process. But to humans, it’s a sign of emotion; must be nice to be so emotional about onions.
I once attempted to make an onion-themed joke so bad it would make people cry. But unfortunately it didn’t quite bring the tears to their eyes that I was hoping for.
I spent 15 minutes trying to open a jar of onions before realizing it said “twist and tear” not “twist and tear up.”
I used to think that onions were the key to happiness, until I discovered that some people actually dislike them. But their opinion is invalid because they are not onionionaires like us.